I don't actually want to talk about this, especially on my beloved blog. My blog is my escape. My blog is where everything is cool. I can tell you what I want you to know about me. I can frame the photos to show only what I want you to see. This is my happy place where I can be cool, witty, fun and all knowing {not that I am any of these things, of course}.
But, again, here comes the elephant. Big stomping feet, big intimidating body and its flappy ears are stirring up the dust.
I guess I am ratting myself out here. I am letting something out that I don't want to be out. But if I don't out myself, I don't know if I can go on telling you about lip balm, shoes and laundry liquid. So here we go...
I have been struggling with Depression. That horrible 'D' word. I have been trying to keep it together for a long time, some would call it Post Natal Depression, but I struggled with depression before I had babies.
It feels a bit like a 'First World Problem' to have Depression when you live a life like mine. Like having too much money in my purse so I can't zip it up. It feels like an indulgence. I was raised to be aware of women in other countries and I know that there are women all across the world who struggle to put food on the table, are in danger, or who are victims of atrocious things. And those women could look at my life and sob with jealous bewilderment. I know that. It doesn't actually help me get through this though.
I guess I have been on a journey. Part of my journey has been to be on Anti-depressants several years ago, which worked a treat and made things okay for a while. But, then I came off them. Do you know what I found? I found I was in exactly the same place I was before I started taking the meds. I decided to face some things head on. My weight got me down. I got rid of that. I really needed some friends. I found me some fabulous ones. I felt unloveable. I was able to learn who to love myself more and then love others which then in turn made me feel loved.
To some Depression makes them withdraw from things that they usually enjoy. Or it can be a sense that no-one wants them around, so they stay clear. Others sleep a lot and find it hard to get motivated. I don't really struggle with these kinds of things. This makes it hard to explain to people, so I didn't. I just soldiered on.
I also found that by telling people, it made it: 1) real and, 2) changed how people treated me. I would say, "I am struggling with Depression." They would {usually} pucker their lips, tilt their head ever so slightly and raise their eyebrows and say, "Oh, you poor thing." Then they would say something useless like, "Once your baby is bigger, it will get better." It is at this point I would internally throw my hands up and look heavenward.
My depression has never been solely about the baby, it is about .... other stuff. It is a culmination of lots of different things like, feeling out of control, needing to look as if I have it all together, wanting escape, needing independence, lack of sleep, lack of time out etc.
My Depression sneaks up on me slowly, so that day by day week by week I am slipping down a slippery slope madly trying to stay upright, not realising that I am losing grip. It is not until I turn and look back up the slope, do I realise how far I have slipped.
I can still hold conversations, I still go out, I still organise the house and keep the kidlets in line, I still DO everything. But the cost is high. My body shifts into overdrive and even getting breakfast ready and the kids dressed in the mornings required a whole tonne of adrenaline. By the end of the day I would usually be frazzled and too overstimulated to sleep. Then I would be tired. This meant that I would need even more adrenaline to get through the next day. And so the slippery cycle went, it was horrid.
On top of the constant adrenaline, I felt as if I have a cacophony of voices crowding in my head telling me how awful and crap I am - at everything. This is debilitating. By nature I am really hard on myself, so to have my brain chemicals shooting from the inside out is tough. I have had to teach my brain to filter these thoughts and to choose only the things that can be based on facts and physical evidence.
I am hoping that some of my peeps who read this are not going to be upset that I didn't tell them. I have my reasons. When I feel totally rubbish, it is nice to have people who treat me normally. I didn't tell my sisters {this time} for this reason. I just wanted to be me. I just wanted them to talk to me about everyday things and not do the tilting head, lip puckering, sombre words thing. I just wanted them to be my friends. They were, and it helped.
In the last few weeks, amid my rocking canoe and 'e' holiday I realised something. Something I had been missing for a really long time. I realised that - I am okay. I am actually coming to the end of this thing. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am becoming untangled. Free. Phew...
In some ways I feel as if I have done this all alone. But this, this is a trick of my mind. Because I have not got through this on my own. Mr Cool has been my tower of strength. He knows me well enough to know when to be easy on me and when I need to be told something straight. I have an amazing man in my life. Gadzooks - I surely do.
I also have amazing friends. I go on and on about my friends. But, for a time I didn't have many friends due to moving too many times too quickly. It is hard replanting in a new place, then having a baby. But I have had the same group of friends** for about four years and they have really changed the way I see the world. I haven't always been able to talk to my family about these things, but I could talk to my friends. And they have been great. They see things in me that I don't and they encourage and support me.
The realisation that I am okay is such a relief. I was just telling a dear friend not two weeks ago that I was worried that my shaky mental state was a permanent thing. I have cried with relief to get some insights into the old B again.
So, I still have a ways to go and I will always have to monitor my headspace. I am so glad I have Mr Cool who I can use as a guide to my mental state, my friends also check in and my mum can tell pretty quickly when I am floundering.
I am glad I got through this, I know that this will and has made me stronger. I hope that one day I can help someone else through this in some way.
I just want to say that just because I have got through this {episode} without medication does not by any means mean that if you are going through something similar that you shouldn't consult your gp. Please, get the help you need. I went to a naturopath who got all my hormones sorted and has me on mega doses of a variety of things. This means that my body is getting the right nutrients which has helped to focus on getting my thought life sorted. I also exercise a lot, this really really helps as does early morning light.
Here are some links to places around the net that can help...
Beyond Blue - what a great resource! Some great checklists and answers to some hairy questions. Very easy to find information.
Be a fun mum - Kelly is inspiring and we have had a few 'chats' about matters of the heart and mind. This post was a catalyst for this blog post. I actually told Kelly that I would never write about Depression on my blog, but, I can only blog about what I know, and this is... what I know... lucky me huh?
So, I am out there. I have told the blogosphere that I struggle. I do feel as if this is the right thing to do. I don't know what will happen from here. It is a bit scary. I wonder if readers will go elsewhere. I wonder if readers will come here more. I wonder if this helps someone. I wonder if this will hurt someone.
**When I mention these kinds of friends, these are the ones who live{d} in my hometown, the ones I do day to day life with. This does not in any way negate my awesome friends who live in other parts of the country and world. I have such a rich source of friends who are all amazing.... Really, I have great taste in friends!
Life is COOL. Love it. Live it. Share it.
