Do You Ever Get Bored With Yourself?

This is something that I go through all the time. I get bored with being me. Sigh.


I wish I was different. I wish I could take a few weeks and completely re-invent myself. 


There is nothing stopping me, I guess. I could revamp my clothes, change my hair, get some new make-up things and talk about new {and more exciting} things.


But, who do I want to be?


I bought a navy and white striped t-shirt a while ago. I bought it because it was cute. I really liked it. This is the third time in my life that it has been 'in' and I have loved it every single time. I thought my new shirt was so hip:  I wore it with my skinny jeans, red beads and little ballet flats. But, sigh, when I dropped Miss A at school and saw how many other mummies hopped out of their cars dressed in exactly the same way {pretty much} I felt like a bit of a fashion victim.


Now, I looked nice, and so did all the other mummies. But what set me apart? What made me stand out from the crowd?


Then I check into 'BlogWorld' and think the same thing. Sigh. What am I doing that is anything different? What am I doing that is special? Unique? Funky? Sigh.


Then the dreaded question that comes up all the time in the dark little lonely corner in the back of my mind, 'Why on earth are you blogging anyway? What have you got to say? What can you offer the Blogosphere?' And then my mind rattles off all the dumb things I do, the errors I make and the failed attempts at creativity.


I just want my blog to be something different. I want it to be something unique. Something special.


When I was a teenager thoughts like these wrought me constantly. I drove myself crazy wondering what I could offer the universe. I wondered what I could do that would make any difference. I looked forward to being an adult and seeing an end to these tormenting questions.


But here I sit. My two beautiful girls are watching television eating bananas and laughing at the Wot Wots, BabyCool is asleep {fingers crossed} and I am blah-ing out my current emotional state into the Blogosphere. Sigh. It feels as if nothing has changed. I am still tormenting myself.


But, there is another part of my brain that has a door that is hard to open and I find it hard to remember where I keep the key. Behind this door are all the positive comments and encouraging words that people have passed on to me. Kind words from friends who believe in what I am doing. Laughter from my family about the silly things I have said. Comments from strangers who have left lovely, helpful, encouraging comments.


There is a little nook in this room that has some reminders written on sticky notes for me to read. Things like:

• not everyone is able to write about things the way I am able to
• not everyone feels the need to be so open and honest about things
• not everyone has the time or space to put their thoughts down on paper a screen
• not everyone wants to share tips and tricks and thoughts and funny stories with strangers
• not everyone sees the internet as a place to meet like minded people who like the same things {while all keeping their clothes on (I hope), don't want to spam you or get your credit card details}
• not everyone wakes through the night with hundreds of blog ideas and story ideas running through their heads and then cannot sleep again until these thoughts are captured and written down

I don't let my mind into this nook very often. I tell myself that this nook is not somewhere I should be snooping around in. It would be bad for me to have all that goodness seeping into my brain. I would end up being too self-confident. However, I need to remind myself that I am not 'everyone' and all of the above things are very much me. 

So, now I am back at the beginning. Wondering how I can either - re-invent myself or how to be happy being B.  Sigh.

Just yesterday I went to a lunch with a whole heap of bloggers. I came away with a mixed bag of emotions... What I am doing is unique and I am certainly moving in the right direction but I have soooo much to learn. I loved actually talking to other bloggers and hearing why they blog and why they started and how they get their ideas. It has given me lots of things to think about...


I think the biggest stumbling block is me. 

Being a Grown Up - I Know Stuff...

I read an article a while ago that I really should have kept. I am so slow to throw things out, and then when I do, I remember why I was keeping something the day after I both put it in the recycling bin and the bins are emptied. Grr... But, the article was basically a whole stack of letters celebrities wrote to their 16 year old selves. It was quite interesting. Especially Elton John's. 


I was thinking about this article the other day as I watched a pair of teenage girls interact while I was out for a walk. The pair of them were tottering around in the tiniest of cut off denim shorts, hair that looked as if it had been nested in and wide necked, cropped t-shirts that revealed too much flesh in every direction. 


As they walked along, they were talking about typical teenage things: crap parents, cute guys, skanky girls at school and how dumb family holidays were. They were typical also in the way that they just knew nothing. They were just gongs. Lots of noise and not much else. Now, I say that in the nicest possible way, of course. They may have been very bright and interesting young things. But they were just so young and the way they talked about life was so limited and so... uninformed. Gosh - that was me and my friends as teenagers {sans the sleezy clothes}! 


I was a pretty insecure teenager. I had terrible skin, braces, low self-esteem. I was not working anywhere near my potential. I was always nervous about saying something stupid or that someone would laugh at me. I had an overactive imagination and thought everyone hated me. I was just plain awkward. I often wondered what I could ever contribute to life, I just didn't know anything. 


The other day I popped into the shops and ran into someone I hadn't seen in ages. I heard myself giving all sorts of very good advice about stuff. I then ran into a few other people I knew. Some asked for advice on hair care, others asked if I knew where to buy a certain product. Since then people have been emailing me asking for recipes or meal ideas or telling me that something I had put up on the blog has really helped them. I realised something startling...


I. Am. A. Grown. Up. and  I. Know. Stuff.


I know stuff! I know what to do with white wine vinegar. I know how to clean poo off paintwork. I know how to make a curry without a recipe. I know what kids should have in their lunchboxes. I know which cry means what. I know how to care for chickens. I know how to make a hundred different meals from a few simple ingredients. I know how to iron corduroy. I know what is a bargain and what is a sham. I know a good t-shirt when I see one. I know if someone is lying. I know when someone is being too nice. I know stuff!


I don't FEEL like a grown up, mind you. I still read magazines and wish I had better skin and longer legs. I still get nervous talking to people I don't know. I still wonder if people actually like me. I still really worry about what my sisters think of my decisions. I still don't know if I am responsible enough to have a child, let alone three! But...


I know stuff. I know that I now have the skills to get through each day ensuring I can not only keep my little clutch of offspring 'alive and mostly happy'**, but make their lives a bit better in the process. Which is cool.


If I had to write a letter to my 16 year old self. This is what it would be...


Dear 16 year old B,


You are gorgeous in every way. Own that. 


Marry that cute guy called Mr Cool, he is a keeper. 


Dream big and start working towards those now, don't wait until you are 30 to find out what you want to do with your life.

Don't move out of home until you are married. You will save yourself a whole lotta crapola and money.

Wear better jeans and keep that navy and white striped light weight jumper, you will need it in 2011. 

Travel. Kiss someone you love at the top of the Eiffel Tower and ride bikes in Holland.


Life is cool. Live it. Love it. Share it.


Lots of love,
Your old self from the future. 


If given the chance, I would not go back to being 16 again. Eugh - who would go back to all that angst!? Not me, not for a minute. I love my life. I have the coolest, funniest, cutest husband on the planet. I have beautiful, funky kids who drive me to the brink of madness and back again, daily. My friends are the coolest I have ever had. I have a groovy house with loads more potential to find. I am involved in lots of fun things around the place. And me? Well, I have a happy heart, a good attitude and some funky clothes. Could a girl ask for more?


What was that? A shiny black 4X4 and a Kindle? I got those too.

What advice would you give to your 16 year old self?

**'Alive and Mostly Happy' is the informal name two of my lovely friends came up with for their babysitting co-op. I think that is hilarious....